At church this weekend, I heard the deep voice of my deceased son — thru the voice of the son which God has blessed me to still hold physically.
As it normally does when this happens, it took my breath away, made my heart thump crazily, and brought a tear to my eye. I stood at my keyboard trying to courageously hold it all together and continue singing as the tears kept welling up. I sang with everything within me and felt the sweet presence of the Lord near.
I turned to my friend and shared what I had heard. She didn’t look at me like I was crazy, or give me any look that made me feel like I was “extra.” She simply stopped and felt the moment with me! I was so thankful for that. A sweet blessing.
Between services, my hubby looked at me and wanted to know what was wrong because of my red eyes. I also had the opportunity to have a conversation with someone else about how one just wants their deceased loved ones to be remembered - not forgotten. We both agreed about this truth of losing.
Then, yesterday evening at music practice, the team started playing a song…and my heart went a bit crazy again. At first, I was taken back and stunned. Again??? That particular song was one Steffan had chosen for his own funeral. The tears came…and I sang with all my heart. Totally engrossed in the moment and worshipping God with my voice.
I later turned to that same friend who happened to be close by and shared with her. And, once again, we shared the moment. Yes, it was quite a “wet” and emotional day for me! And…it was okay. All was well and at peace within my soul!
This morning, during prayer, the Lord showed me just how He had remembered me and allowed my son to be remembered through song yesterday. I realized my heart hadn’t ached because of the loss, but rejoiced in my son’s memory. Sure, I’d love to squeeze him tight again, but for now I just want to remember his voice. Memories.
Yes, it had come in the form of song - and tears.
That first little tear had been one of remembrance and love. A beautiful moment, provided by my Heavenly Father, to allow sweet memories to surface in my mind, to allow my heart to feel that special love of a mom, and the chance to share the moment…to simply remember my son.
Grief isn’t all about the loss…it includes moments like these when we realize we’d rather remember and feel its sharp, heart-grabbing pangs rather than to forget our loved ones and move on. It’s moments like these, when we realize our heart is thankful and grateful for what we have had. Yesterday, I realized how much God has allowed me to grow through this process we call grief. It doesn’t happen immediately, we’re just now in the beginning of year eight! It can happen though…keep walking if you’re on this road too.
Grief is hard. Uncomfortable. We’d rather never have to walk with it constantly at our side. The process is long. Tiresome. Sometimes, it is quite ugly. It’s a roller coaster and we may struggle to find ourselves and our new normal. But…grief is a gift!
It’s taken a long time for me, and that’s okay, but I thank God for making those precious moments of memory possible for me yesterday.
I realized all this - from that first little tear.
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