Warning: this IS a post labeled under loss and grief.
~Steffan Russell Hardesty~
“…the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
Job 1:21
It’s November! My first born should be turning 32 on the twentieth. We should be getting ready to celebrate him and sing happy birthday, blow out candles, then eat dinner and cake. I can think of a million things I’d like to gift him, a zillion things I’d like to tell him, and if I could just hear his laughter, see his smile and squeeze him tight…one more time.
Yeah, I know, it wouldn’t be enough. It seems it would be nice just to see though! Just one more time!
The last few days have been really hard as I’ve attempted to carry on as usual. Tears threaten to break through the threshold every now and then, but I’m afraid if I begin crying that I won’t be able to stop any time soon.
I think back and remember the years we took for granted and my heart aches. I wonder what kind of man he would be now and can only imagine. I wonder what he would’ve looked like as he aged. How many more grands he would have given me by now. There’s so much we’re missing out on!
I tell myself all the “right” things that we’re told when we lose a child; but I don’t think any of it makes my heart hurt any less. (It’s true, I don’t grieve as those without the Lord do. But I DO grieve!) Some words and cliches still have a tendency to make me angry if I’m having a hard day. I realize people mean well and just want to say something to help; I also realize others aren’t comfortable with my sadness and want me to be happy. I’m just not right now though!
Sometimes we just need someone to listen, to let us share our thoughts and memories, or perhaps to sit quietly with us until the pain and pressure of the moment subsides. We need grace for the tears and unstable emotions, for the awkward moments when we feel we’re going to lose it, and mercy for withdrawing or not being the best version of ourselves. It hurts! (As I write this, the tears fall.)
Yes, I can shove all of it down and stuff it, but who benefits from that in the long run? Yes, I can focus on the good times we had and the memories we made, but aren’t there a lot of people still making new ones? The ones I’m making have a huge hole in them where my son’s presence should be.
Instead, I hold him only in my heart and hold tight to the love that still exists. I have to watch a video some days to remember what his laugh sounded like. I can have a dinner in his honor, I can eat cake and celebrate him too…but it’s not the same and it makes me so sad. My heart is forever changed and aches like I can never explain.
Still, I know God is good, faithful and close to the broken hearted. The pain is always present, but isn’t always quite this intense. I know God will catch every tear and hold me close. He will comfort me and help me through this difficult time. He’s been faithful so far and I know He will not change now; He won’t leave me nor condemn me. I know He always knows what’s best and works it for my good. I get all that. Promise!
BUT…if I’m crying, please don’t let my tears make you uncomfortable. Please don’t be afraid of my pain or to say his name or share a memory with me …that’s all I have to hold on to now. This grief has slowly turned into a blessing as I have learned the necessity and ability to have compassion and empathy for others who are in similar circumstances. I know this is my cross to bear, and I will do it to the best of my ability with God’s gracious and patient help. The pain is still there, it still hurts, and I’m still learning a little more every day how to carry it - along with joy. Sometimes one is more prevalent and in my face than the other is, but they both deserve space and grace.
So, Happy Birthday to my forever twenty-four, “Runkle”. I’m so thankful for the time and love God granted me. It’s a blessing to have birthed you, nurtured you, and to still love you so - even though I cannot see nor touch you. You’ll forever be in my heart and always on my mind.
Blessed be the name of the Lord! It is well.
Until we meet again,
Love you “bit” much ♥️
(If you’ve read this. I just want you to know I want to normalize being okay to say the things that sometimes get hushed. I realized the other night as I sat around a table and talked with people about grief and how many facets it has and the all the ways it affects the people it touches and it’s lasting, changing effects it has on us - it’s tough stuff. I hope you haven’t experienced it! And if you have, I’m so sorry. This has not been a “pity me” party, this is a “where I’m at” moment. If you’re dealing with grief of any kind, I hope you will find the support you need.)
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