Surprise, Again!

So, first, allow me to share my exciting news: I’m going to be Noni…AGAIN!! And Pop-si and I are thrilled.

Claire and Mags are both going to be big sisters now. I’ll go ahead and say it too, we’re team “baby brother. “ What a nice surprise!

That’s my good news. That’s not the only thing that surprised me however.

A couple weeks ago, I started feeling “not quite right.” I wasn’t sure what was going on, I just knew something in me was off. I was living life with intentionality, doing everything I know to do, but something just kept bumping into my “want to.” All I knew and could admit was that “I hadn’t felt this way in a minute.”

Tears began to threaten to fall at the drop of a hat and I’ve worked overtime to hold them in. Until, I just couldn’t anymore. I’ve also felt myself closing in and wanting to withdraw a bit more, and extra sensitive in every way. I’ve been feeling a little extra cranky, talking quieter, mumbling more, just a checklist of items I’ve learned to notice during times like these.

I finally admitted to myself several days later that I was standing on the shore experiencing yet another grief wave.

I haven’t broadcasted it, I’ve just continued to take one day at a time - perhaps even trying to dodge it. I get exhausted with trying to figure out all the details and “whys.” It’s also usually a shock that I’m here …again. Like I should be past this somehow. It doesn’t happen like that though.

Last night, I finally lost my grip and dropped my mask. I cried intense tears of sadness. Now that I know what I’m dealing with, I let my guard down and was honest with God; it wasn’t like He doesn’t already know what I’m feeling and experiencing anyhow. He knows before I am aware! I think He wants me to be honest when I come to Him though. I finally opened up to my husband and shared what I’d been holding safely inside too.

I’m not in a pit of depression and I know I’m not alone; I’m just engulfed in a sea of sadness and longing at the moment. One of which there is no bypass, I must simply wait til the tide turns again. Grief waves.

I miss my boy so much! Everything in my life right now touches him in some way. Grief is a powerful thing, but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s bigger than my God who holds me close and tight in these moments of time. Again, I am thankful He’s not afraid of my sadness or tears. My Comforter.

So, surprise! A not-so-exciting one for sure. Yet, they say grief is the price of love. So, here I am. Loving. Vulnerable and honestly open because it does happen and I’m still learning it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Therefore, until the waves calm and the intensity fades enough for me to see the beauty in the sunset once more, here I am, in all honesty sharing the other side of life I deal with.

Not for sympathy, but I share to be truthful and to make it easier for anyone else out there who might need to say something they’re afraid or ashamed to say. It’s okay! It isn’t the end of our story, it’s just a chapter. We just continue on, turning the page and allowing God to comfort and guide us through. He’s good like that! It’s not who we are, nor does it define us; it’s part of our story, an indicator that we need to slow down and experience our thoughts, emotions and pain with the One who is touched with the feelings of our fragile hearts.

Sure, it caught me by surprise. No special date or particular memory, just a slow, incoming tide that I didn’t realize I was experiencing…until I did. So, while my heart is broken and I currently feel sad standing here in this moment, I also stand here celebrating another life and blessing God has given. Team brother!!! Experiencing sadness and joy together…

Surprise, again.