As We Celebrate

Today, we celebrate the birthday of the bundle of joy who made us parents. Oh, how he changed our world! I had a crib set up in our little apartment within a year of us being married - waiting with expectation. A bundle of boy with a dark head full of hair!

We all are old enough to realize as life goes on and we get older, things start to change. It’s a natural occurrence everyone encounters, but ours is quite different than we could’ve ever expected or have been prepared for. I know there are a lot of parents out there who have done it, but a parent burying a child will always and forever be out of order to us.

Now our oldest son isn’t our first-born any longer. I never will forget the feeling I had the year our "second-born" turned twenty-five and was officially the eldest. That will forever be awkward and out of sync from how it was supposed to be. Our first-born will be “forever twenty-four” in our eyes and memory; while our oldest son is now thirty. My, where does time go?! I’m so thankful for my children. The ones I can hug tightly in my arms - and the one I can only hug tightly in my heart now.

In this season of life, I buy a cake every year to help another mom celebrate her son’s special day - because I now know personally how precious that honor is - more than ever. I do this for the memory of our deceased son’s birthday. November 20th. I began doing this years ago after reading about another mother who started this tradition to help keep her deceased son’s memory alive. Yes, I remain anonymous most of the time because it's not about me; however there have been a few years the moms knew. I so love doing this - to be both a blessing and to help me keep his memory alive! Both boys are worth being celebrated.

Our boy will never age. As we wrinkle and gray, he’ll always remain that handsome, dark-skinned, broad shouldered, stocky, handsome guy with the sparkle in his eye. The one who had, as a child, the perfect hands for giving my shoulders a massage from the back seat on the way home from church on Sundays. We don’t have the privilege to take pics with him any longer in person, so we did so at his resting place. It had been four years since we had visited in the picture above. I know it may seem a bit odd and might make others uncomfortable, but it’s how we choose to do things now. I’m so thankful God gave him to us and for the memories we can hold on to.

As we visited his grave site a few weeks ago, I sat there and couldn’t help but to remember all the dark days and the gentle ways God brought us through. I can truthfully say I didn't love losing my son so soon, but I am thankful for all I gained by losing. It wasn’t easy, and it still isn't. I went through seasons of depression along with all the other things fresh grief brings with it and I still (and probably always will) experience overwhelming waves of grief, but I wouldn’t trade the lessons I’ve learned along the way and the way I've grown stronger through the struggle. I also thank God for His comforting presence and the strength He gave us then, and continues to give us each step of the way. The most fulfilling thing has been to be able to come alongside someone who has just begun this journey and be a testimony that "God will bring you through."

It is true what they say: God NEVER wastes a hurt!

One day, I hope to write a book about our experience - from a personal perspective. I've written before about the fear of my son being forgotten. That's a very real thing bereaved mom's of all ages of deceased children experience. That precious heart that first beat within her will never die! We don't want their memory to either. Until the day I open that book, I will continue to share my thoughts and feelings here. They are real. Legitimate. Forever.

So, today I celebrate Steffan "Runkle" Hardesty - he would be thirty-three today. I share a little bit with you about him, about life without him, things I've learned along the way and the appreciation and privilege I have to continue to celebrate him. I heard it said by another bereaved mother before, "People celebrate and have parties for their children's birthdays, why shouldn't I continue to celebrate mine?" I agree and am doing so with you today, even as the tears fall and my heart aches of what could've been. No, I'm not stuck in my grief, I am living with and carrying it well with the help of a compassionate, healing God by my side.

We sat in Louisiana at my father's table, doing Bible study a few weeks ago. I listened to my eleven-year-old grand-boy (the gift Steffan left behind for us) break down the concept of God's yoke (Matthew 11:28-30) and my heart was full. It was beautiful the way his little raspy voice, which is becoming more like his Daddy's as time goes along, and simple, childlike, faith-filled heart explained it. Truly, the Lord does carry the bulk of the load for us - we would not be able to carry this, and other, types of losses and burdens if not. I'm so thankful for ALL we celebrate as we celebrate the life of our son. God gives us wonderful gifts, strengthens us and helps us carry on, allows us the peace to pursue His plans for our lives in the midst of our pain, and grows us up more in Him each day we choose to allow Him to.

Though my son is not physically here any longer, today we celebrate his life, his touch on ours, the lessons we learned and roots that dug "deeper" because God chose to give and take him away. We carry the joy and sadness together. We celebrate life lived and eternal life to come!

Happy Birthday, to our boy! You are

still making an impact on this world

even today. We are better because you

were a special part of our lives. We're so

thankful you were ours and we'll never

allow the memory of you to die.

My friend, thank you for the time you took to read this special post. In doing so, you've helped us honor and celebrate our son. Even more so, if you've gained insight and your perspective on what you're going through right now has slightly shifted for the better. God is faithful and will help you through . It is safe to lean into Him and allow Him to teach you and for your roots deeper as you experience your worst. Losing our son has been our worst, BUT GOD! I pray for you today in whatever you're experiencing, for I know, regardless of our type of worsts, God is the same yesterday, today and forever. What He did for us, He'll do the same for you.

Hold on! Keep your faith! Trust God! Celebrate the little things...and most of all, keep walking with Him. You won't be sorry and one day you might just be sharing your story with someone else who needs a dose of hope in theirs. That's what I hope I've done for you today.

Be blessed~