“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.”
Psalms 56:8 (msg)
Been thinking a whole lot extra about my mom this last week. The 29th will be the anniversary of her death - 4 years now. It still doesn’t seem quite right.
We didn’t always see eye to eye, we weren’t as close as I wish we would have been, but she is my mom and I love her. I’ve worn one of her T-shirts quite a bit lately just to feel a little bit closer. I’ve cried and longed to pick up the phone…no matter what she had to say - just to hear her voice. Too bad that’s no longer possible.
Just one more moment.
Grief has a way of making me feel all mixed up inside. Sometimes I choke back the tears, then there are times when I just let them flow. There are moments when I daydream about times gone by, and recall memories that are pleasant and those not so much. I’ve thought of things she said to me over the years - the good, the bad and the ugly - which all contributed to and helped make me who I am today. It’s all good, because that’s the stuff life is made of. It’s not always a bed of roses we enjoy, sometimes we feel the pricks of a thorn as well.
Anyhow, no matter what, there are some things I’d like to tell her. We didn’t get to say goodbye; and somehow that feels quite tragic and unfair — that’s life though. I’d like to thank her for giving me the best she could and tell her I forgive her for any “mistakes” I felt she made as I grew up. It’s a reminder to me that I’ve not been a perfect mom either. I wish I could introduce her to my grand angels, she would have loved the little prissy pots! She would have absolutely adored her great grandson too - so much like his dad. Death certainly has a way of robbing us of so many things, doesn’t it?
Just one more moment.
Last week, on Bible study night, one of the girls walked through my door — and I happened to be watching. She caught a glimpse of her sister (who looked just like her mom in the moment) standing beside me. All the sudden, a distraught look replaced what is normally a blue-eyed, sweet, smiling face as she ran back out the door. A little while later, I stood there wrapping my arms around a crying, broken hearted girl who just happened to be missing her mommy on her birthday. It has been nine years for them. I’m sure she would want just one more moment.
Like I always say, grief is about the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my lifetime. It’s the most difficult thing to express, to keep a handle on, to give space to, and to grow accustomed to walking with on this road of life. It’s a roller coaster ride!
God didn’t intend for us to ever have to deal with it, but I’m so thankful He holds us close and guides us through it so we’re not alone in it.
While I know it’s impossible to get my mom back, I chose to write this in remembrance of her. To some it may be odd, but there are some who will understand.
You simply just long for it - one more moment.
Dear Friend,
If you can relate, I’m so sorry. We weren’t meant to handle or face grief. We can find peace in Jesus though. He doesn’t take it all away, He simply helps us carry on into tomorrow, as He wipes the tears from our eyes. We may feel the pain of loss, but we will never endure it alone. May God hold you close and give you peace~
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