In loving memory of
Steffan (Runkle) Hardesty
November 20, 1992 - September 27, 2017
As we near the fifth anniversary of our firstborn’s tragic death — the day time seemed to stand still and our lives were suddenly changed forever — I want to share what I’ve learned along the way.
No, I don’t have all the answers nor do I claim to have it all together. Yes, there is still pain and brokenness to face and deal with often. Yes, there are tears still shed and grief waves which attempt to batter my heart, but I am still standing, loving God and serving Him with all my heart, mind, soul and strength.
It might not look like I'm victorious, but the victory I've won puts on a little different wardrobe now.
There are still questions. There are days when the yearnings of my momma-heart still scream silently. There are still days when I feel my heart will break into even more pieces as I long to hear Steffan’s voice, infectious laugh, to feel his strong fingers massaging my shoulders, or just one of his simple, loving hugs.
Just one more time!
I hang on to precious memories we made with him, to the rambunctious, loving, grand boy he left behind for us, and a love that I’ve discovered never lessens nor disappears. I still have triggers which catch me by surprise and send me spiraling at times. Somehow, the “firsts” still come even after five years and it seems I seldom find myself quite prepared. The waves ebb and flow. There are times I ride them in graciously, and at others, I come banging into shore dazed by the tumultuous surf. This is what growth and healing look like.
Yet, this one thing is true.
As sure as I am that loss and grief bring pain, as sure as I am that it deeply changes us, I'm also equally sure I've seen my God prove Himself to be all He promised to be. He is always faithful and brings growth through even the hardest seasons. He brings peace when the heart is troubled. He holds me tightly when I need consoling. He offers a strong arm when the waves threaten to knock me off my feet. He lights my path when it seems too dark to see the way. He gives His Word so I am continually reminded of His glorious promises which shall come to pass.
He faithfully nurses the wounds, tenderly applies salve, and carefully oversees every step of the healing process. He brings strength to help my feet continue walking toward Him — one baby step at a time. He counts every tear as He gently wipes them away. He ministers to my soul in times of weariness, darkness, and distress. Every scar is a testimony - a trophy - representing His goodness in keeping me and bringing me through.
Just one more time!
He is a good Father. He is the Peace Speaker. He is my Rock. He is sovereign. He knows what’s best for me when I cannot see. He is the answer when there are no others to be found.
There are many instances in the Bible that say,
“…and they shall know that I am the Lord.”
Amen! Now, more than ever, I can truly say that I know Him in certain ways like never before. No matter what I may be feeling, I know the truth -- that He is in control, and that He sees and knows me right where I’m at. I don’t have to be afraid, He is with me. What better assurance is there in our lifetime than knowing this truth? Do I have moments of struggle? Of course! Do I doubt that God is faithful and that He holds my world in His hands? Never!
So, in spite of the heartache, there is definite joy. In spite of any hurt, there is healing taking place. In spite of loss, I’ve gained much along the way. In spite of what I may feel from day to day, this I know, He is my joy, hope and strength. He is and will always be faithful to me.
Just one more time!
Today, I just want to share God’s goodness with you, even as the tears fall and sadness seems overwhelming, simply because I must praise Him. God has been so good to me!
Take it from me, there is no night too dark that He can’t find us. There is no valley too wide that He can’t see us through. There’s no trial we can face that He doesn’t see before we get there, He never wastes a hurt, and nothing catches Him by surprise. I just want to thank Him one more time, and testify of His loving kindness and for being everything He said He would be.
Fact. This truth doesn’t mean we won’t face disappointment, have shattered dreams, broken hearts, or experience trials; it doesn’t mean we won’t question from time to time, nor that there will be no tears and pain along the way…what it does mean is that He’ll always be there by our side…
just one more time.
And that’s all we need to know. Amen~